The Adventures of Johnny Tao

Just as a general rule of thumb, if you find yourself with fucking LO-PAN as your kung fu master, at some point shit is going to get real for you. I’m just saying….

Here’s the trailer for our latest classic:

Synopsis: Right. Where to begin? Our hero is a kung fu gas station attendant...wait, don’t go, it gets better….a kung fu gas station attendant who sells tickets to see his one hit wonder dad’s famous guitar which was made from a fallen meteor and carved into a dragon guitar. (seriously). His town becomes invaded by Kung fu zombies / possessed citizens, who eat everything in sight in order to feed their kung fu demon master. Only our hero and a random female asian kung fu protector can stop him!


So…what worked…

The action was choreographed very well! It was very reminiscent of a Power Rangers movie. The main bad guy was actually the final protagonist in Blood & Bone. (Fantastic movie, go watch). I found out after watching it that it was directed by former Ninja Turtle Kenn Scott (Troum). He was RAPHAEL in the original ninja turtle movies! So yea, the man is royalty as far as I’m concerned.


The only TMNT movie that exists, you hear me??? THE ONLY ONE EVER MADE!

The story skirted the line between ridiculous and corny very well. It was so over the top that there was no taking it seriously, and that’s a GOOD thing. Once we established within the first few minutes that none of this made sense, we could enjoy the movie for what it was.


What didn’t work…

Well this was a bad movie. The acting was WTF-WOW-OMG. Our main bad guy was fairly wooden, but I think he was going for the “I’m evil, really evil. Seriously” vibe. He could really fight though.

Our main good guy? Also so very very bad. The supporting cast was actually far better than the leads. The comic relief in Sheriff Lenny was excellent. He played the lovable goofball very well.

No performance stood out really. This is as forgettable as a bowl of chinese food an hour later.



Meh. I won’t go out of my way to watch it. But I won’t necessarily change the channel forcefully if nothing better is on. It doesn’t inspire me to go outside or exercise. I’ll leave it at that.



One thought on “The Adventures of Johnny Tao

  • October 6, 2016 at 4:35 pm

    That review wasn’t as scalding as it could have been. Thank you.


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