Ninja Terminator

Holy Freaking Hell. This movie is amazing. I literally watched it with my mouth open, blown away by the sheer…brilliance for lack of a better term…of how bad this movie is. THIS is why I love bad movies! There are so many moments when you find yourself talking aloud, to no one in particular, asking “why did he do that?” “Who is he talking to?” “Is that his real hair?”

This is the Trailer in all it’s glorious…glory…

 

The story is ‘supposedly’ this. A Ninja clan, with the incredibly original name “The Ninja Empire” possess a magical golden ultimate ninja warrior statue that imbues it’s owner with the power of tough skin. The leader demonstrates it to his 3 top ninjas. Who promptly steal a piece each. It get’s really bonkers from there on out. There seems to be a whole other movie embedded inside this movie, about a martial artist named Jaguar who is really good at Jaguar style kung fu, and his random beatings of thugs, plus a love scene set to Pink Floyd that came out of nowhere, runaway steamed crabs…I mean it’s confusing as hell. BUT….

 

Kickass Ninja Terminator Awesomeness Supreme!

1. THIS is the Ninja movie you remember from childhood. With all the special effects and sound effects that made those the characters you pretended to be as a child, (or in your cubicle at work yesterday). There are many scenes that personify the skills we grew up thinking Ninja’s have. Ninja’s disappearing in a puff of smoke. Ninja’s disappearing in regular clothes and a SECOND later appearing in full ninja garb. The ability to make WHOOSH sounds every time you swing your arms or kick with your legs. whoosh…whoosh…huh….smack…whooosh…nooo… I will avenge you!!!! LOVE IT!

ninja-terminator

2. The cameraman was high as f*ck. He had to be. There is a scene at what is a funeral (I think), where two characters are talking, and you only know they’re there because the left arm and shoulder of the woman is in frame. The rest of the image is a glorious shrubbery. For 5 minutes. Then the cameraman remembers ‘Oh shit! I should be filming them and not that wonderful bush!’ so he fast pans to them and zooms in! I laughed so hard…and that was not the only time he did something like that! Later I was left wondering for a bit why he was showing an empty bed…took a count of 10 before a ninja rolled over the bed and then out of frame again.Way to pad the run-time there.

3. The fact that this movie has a WHOLE OTHER MOVIE inside of it. It’s like we’re following two distinct stories. Of course I use the term stories VERY generously. We follow the thieves of the stolen statue and the Ninja Empire trying to kill them. Then we follow a small time criminal named Jaguar who is a highly skilled Kung Fu fighter as he beats up everyone in his path. The filmmaker tried to tie the two stories together in post production, with a phone call implying that everyone knew each other. It was unnecessary. Two movies for the price of one? Who would complain about that math?

4. Two toys are freaking prominent. A sweet sweet Garfield phone that our bad ass main-ish ninja uses all the time. And a walking robot toy that is used to deliver a death threat. A death threat mind you that the Ninja Empire then follows up with a call to make sure he got the message, and to reiterate it. That’s efficiency for you.

garfieldphoneI’ll ninja that lasagne right out of the fridge

5. The choreography is sick. This is straight up martial arts and it’s fantastic. No shaky footage or dark rooms. You can see everything that’s happening and appreciate just how good martial arts choreography used to be.

 

OOOO Fail Ninja kick in the pants.

1. In our second movie inside the movie…let’s call in Inception-Ninja…the lead character there chases an ex girlfriend and manhandles her a bit to remind her of how great they were together. After which she sleeps with him. BEYOND misogynist, very creepy. Are we supposed to be rooting for this guy to win?

2. The wigs in this movie are both wonderful and bizarre.

ninjaterm2Are you talking about me? (yes)

3. The logic behind the “plot” is so very very thin. There’s a reason for that of course. This is one of those movies that the main actor, Richard Harrison didn’t realize he would be starring in. The Director (the famous Godfrey ho) tricked him you see, filming scenes for what was supposed to be just a couple movies, then splicing and creating a larger range of movies. Much like how the Robotech cartoon was a cut and paste version of three different anime, this is a Frankenstein monster of a ninja movie.

Conclusion.

NONE of that matters. The movie is pure ninja ambrosia heated in a spoon and injected directly into your veins. You CANNOT stop watching it once it’s begun. Hold onto the ride and prepare to laugh and cheer.

rating_4


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