Top 20 sequels that nuked the fridge (or jumped the shark) – Part Deux

In part one, there was a plethora of bad sequels. It was just too much to hold in one posting, so here is part 2.

#10 Sex & The City 2

I’m not a massive fan of the first by any means, but I have to admit it was a well done and thought out conclusion to the series. It caught up with our main protagonists and showed us what they’ve been up to all these years. It centered around a tumultuous time in their lives and how they were still there for each other, because the core of this series was never actually the titular “sex”, but the friendship of the four. They could have called it ‘Friends’ but that name was already taken.

Generally speaking people enjoyed the first movie. It made enough money that Hollywood thought it would be great to go back to the well and do basically the same movie, but in a different location.

Now there’s talk of a third? The effectiveness of the first movie and the beloved stature of the series itself gets watered down even more. Great. Good luck with that.

#9 Ocean’s Twelve and Oceans Thirteen

First one was the epitome of a cool movie. I’ve actually seen the original with the ORIGINAL rat pack, and this was as cool as that one. Suave, intricate, just really awesome.

*lightning strikes* Then dark days hit us. Sequels were made and the magic in a bottle seemed to have vanished… I couldn’t even pin point what went wrong. Some movies just don’t NEED a sequel.

#8 Underworld 2 & 3

I loved loved the first Underworld. Kate Beckinsale, vampires, werewolves, urban setting. Gothic music. Kate Beckinsale. It was fantastic, atmospheric and perfect all on its own. Sooo… they went with a sequel that took all the things that made the first great, and rinsed/repeat. And like your favorite shirt washed too many times, the greatness got diluted. I defy anyone to off the top of their head remember the basic plot of the second. Can you? How about the names of anyone other than Selene? Nope? Well now that says everything doesn’t it.

And what’s this?? A part three that’s a prequel? JOY! Just Fucking Joy I guess right? No Kate Beckinsale this time, set in medieval times. I mean…well…actually this one had a return of Bill Nighy…and Lucius…and the Medieval setting works really well..

..

..

Ok this one was good. But Part 2 sucked ok?

#7 The Matrix Reloaded & Revolutions

Fuck Fuck Fuckity Fuck shit fuck. Shit on these fucking cocksucking shitfucking asscockshitfuck movies. FUCK! The Matrix was PERFECT. In fact, you know what? These sequels never happened. Hear me? NEVER. FUCKING. HAPPENED. Albino Dreadlock Ghost Ninjas? NEVER HAPPENED. ARCHI-FUCKIN-TECT? NO IDEA WHO YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT. NEO-JESUS on a cross? WHAT? WHAT? NEVER HAPPENED DIDN’T YOU HEAR ME???

#6 The Pirates of the Caribbean 2 & 3 & 4 & Infinity

Yo Ho Ho, a pirates life for me! The first movie was fun, and light and introduced the amazing Jack Sparrow, I’m sorry, CAPTAIN Jack Sparrow to us all. And it was immensely popular as it should be. It was great! Then…well then they tried to create a whole pirates “world” and for these characters to have similar supernatural adventures. And it wore thin really quickly. It’s the uncle who has that one joke that was funny when you were seven but now it’s thirty years later and you can’t even force that fake smile anymore.

#5 Batman Returns, Batman Forever, Batman & Robin

“It’s time to broaden their minds. Florence?!” God the first Batman movie was awesome. Jack Nicholson was a great Joker. Not to take anything away from Heath,his was spectacular. And Michael Keaton? The man was fucking great as batman. The movie was fun. It felt like a comic book movie but was serious enough to be TAKEN seriously. Then they screwed it all up by making three increasingly bad sequels. Each one getting worse and worse and worse, until we were staring at Bat nipples and Schwarza-Freeze. And you thought it couldn’t get worse than Two Face…sigh. This series is the perfect argument AGAINST sequels. They take what we loved about the first, and fuck it over until you feel like Jennifer Connelly at the end of Requiem for a Dream.

#4 Transformers

The sequels to Transformers were so bad, they made the FIRST one seem like it was good. I mean I saw the first, thought it was meh. I had issues with the robot designs, the racial stereotyping (Jazz is a jive talking robot, and is also the first to die), the overuse of the human story, the action scenes being so jerky you couldn’t see shit. I didn’t like any of that. But the sequels were SUCH an assault on my soul, that I look back fondly on that first movie. “You know, it really wasn’t that bad. I kind of liked it.” What is happening to me??

#3 Spiderman 3

“Dear Stan The Man Lee.

Enclosed is my ticket stub for Spiderman 3. I would like to formally request a refund for cost of the ticket to view the aformentioned shitfest. Also enclosed is an empty vial in which I would like you to deposit 2.5 ml of tears. This is recompense for the tears which I myself personally shed, weeping in sorrow and horror as Emo Peter Parker jazz-hand-danced his way into infamy.

Yours respectfully,

Big D

P.S. You’re still the man though. Excelsior!

#2 Die Hard 4 & 5

Ok this is tricky. Die Hard is the second best movie ever made. (The first being The Dirty Dozen and if you fight me on that I’ll punch you in the nuts hardcore. HARDCORE). Die Hard 2 was passable. Die Hard 3 was fucking amazing! So we were happy with those sequels! I mean we got out of it with some really excellent movies! Then…they went back one too many times.

It’s like playing russian roulette and getting lucky three times in a row and spinning that wheel again. BOOM. We got die hard 4. I love Bruce Willis, and I love hacking movies. The two just do NOT mix well. This movie made zero sense. You can’t have Die Hard across a state! He’s supposed to be in a building! Don’t you understand the premise? He’s trapped into helping! Physically trapped!

Then part 5 happened. What, now he’s in Russia in a spy caper? This isn’t Jason Bourne. No. No. No. Terrorists after money=yes. Anyone with last named Gruber = yes. All else = fail.

#1 Indiana Jones 4

Here we are at last. In my opinion the worst sequel to a movie ever made. What’s sad about this is that the first two sequels were ok and fantastic in that order. To come back again after all these years and give us…this.

It’s not even that the first half of the movie is horrible. It’s just that the hits keep on coming more and more towards the finale and soon enough all the good feeling of seeing our old friend Indy on screen again are gone and we are left with Tarzan Young Indiana Jr., bad CGI Aliens, Double Triple Agents, Massive Fire ants, Ninja grave keepers, and the one that started off this whole list, Nuclear bomb survival inside a lead fridge. Wow. Seriously? And Aliens too? Really?

Let me end by saying that I love the actors involved and was very hopeful that the end product was going to be amazing. Part of my vitriol against this movie may be sheer disappointment. The Indiana Jones franchise is near and dear to me personally, as it was to many. But I think the director here is ENTIRELY to blame. The cast tried their best. But an insane plot, cardboard cut out communist villains, and aliens…goddamnit. Aliens. Look back on Indiana. Know what works? Religious Relics!!!

Someone needs to block George Lucas and Steven Spielberg from touching their own franchises ever again.

 

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