Let’s get this part out of the way. I love Vin Diesel movies, and I’d go so far as to say perhaps even the man himself. Something about his ambiguity. Is he Black? White? An Android sent from the future to drive really fast and talk really low? I don’t know. But the man was the voice of the Iron Giant, arguably one of the best animated movies of ALL FUCKIN TIME. With a few words he conveyed enough emotion to reduce this burley man sitting here to a blubbering mess. (God..yes.. yes you can be superman Iron Giant. yes you can *sob*).
That being said, I really really WANTED to like this movie. It’s blend of high fantasy and urban fantasy is right in my enjoyment wheelhouse. So why…why wasn’t it exactly a D&D nerd’s wet dream? Well… Let’s take a look.
Yea…it looks like it might be ok-ish?
The modern world holds many secrets, the most astounding being that witches still live among us. Centuries ago, Kaulder (Vin Diesel) managed to slay the all-powerful Witch Queen, decimating her followers in the process. Before her death, she cursed the valiant warrior with her own immortality, separating him from his beloved wife and daughter in the afterlife. Her resurrection now threatens the survival of the human race as Kaulder, the only one of his kind remaining, faces her vengeful wrath.
What was ok:
1. Vin is a good action guy. So the action was credible.
2. The magic effects were well done, the creature effects for the MOST part were nice.
3. The inside of the Witch Queen tree was well done. It had an “eaters of the dead” / “13th warrior” vibe to it and I loved that.
What was a succubus draining my soul for 2 hours:
1. God this plot was nonsense. *Spoiler Alert* Vin was a goddam horcrux this entire time, and the witch came back. Didn’t see that coming… Trusted old advisor sidekick dies? Check. Young new savvy female partner sidekick to appeal to younger savvy audience? Check. How about something more original?? Vin suffered from Steven Seagel disease. He wins his fights with little effort. The last time I’ve seen beat downs this one sided was in Blood and Bone. (Great movie, check it out)
2. The effects on the witch queen herself were deplorable. Like they just rolled the actress in mud before each shot. I’m glad to see the people who lose right out of the gate on Syfy’s face off competition can find work though. (Not really, it was bad).
3. The tropes. My god the tropes. The new young sidekick witch had a hidden powerful power that’s super rare and helpful. No really? yea, really. And a flaming sword. He had a flaming sword. I’ve only ever seen that used once to great effect, and it was in a TV show.
“You taking about me?”
Yes I am, Krod Mandoon and the Flaming Sword of Fire! Yes. I. Am.
All said and done, this wasn’t a terrible movie, but it wasn’t a great movie either. Not even a so bad its great one. This is the taco bell of movies. It’ll do while it’s hot, but you know in your soul that it’s not really food, and you definitely won’t be reheating this shit to eat it again.