Roger Corman hasn’t met a ridiculous premise he didn’t love. This movie though must have been financed by Verizon, because everyone seems to have just phoned it in. (ha, see what I did there? Puntastic. Love it. This review is off to a great start!)
Here’s the trailer:
What’s this movie about. Let’s see. A “scientist”/”professor” Michael Madsen goes on an expedition somewhere in Hawaii, and steals a Piranhaconda egg. Cause that’s what you do. With me so far? Good. Quick, how many members of that pre-opening credits expedition survive? If you guessed just one, the big name Hollywood star then ding ding ding, winner winner chicken dinner.
Next we have a slasher movie being filmed (ha, how meta). The cast and crew however, are captured and held for ransom by Mercenaries. (in Hawaii???). The professor meets up with these rapscallions and well…the Piranhacon-parents come looking for their egg.
What was a Win-aconda:
The plot is standard Bad Movie nirvana. Hybrid-impossibly-fast-snarling animal, wanton destruction, nice locale, co-eds. It even has a theme “song”. Roger Corman loves a good song about his creature. See Sharktopus*.
The horrific graphics worked as well. It’s a bad movie, it didn’t need state of the art CGI. Frankly it could have been done even cheaper to better effect. Not Birdemic cheap, but shit, maybe that would have added something more to the film.
I love in these movies the moment when the name of the animal is revealed. In Sharktopus my friend Eric Roberts (There’s a picture of us together at a convention, so we have to be friends! Right?) used the name Sharktopus pretty early on. In this one they wait almost until the end to reveal… it’s like an Anaconda, with the head of a Piranha…”You mean like a,….” wait for it…“Piranhaconda?”. Ha! Yes, good job there.
What was sort of a Suck-aconda:
Michael Madsen. What are you doing in this movie? I mean literally, what are you doing here? Love of the genre? It doesn’t show. Free trip to Hawaii? Maybe. He rattled off his lines, but it honestly felt like he didn’t even want to be there. I just wanted him to emote, even a little bit. Sigh.
The “this makes no freaking sense” moments. Bare in mind these are often what makes these kind of movies fun.
- Not often do kidnappers find the need for a bazooka. But hell, why not right?
- No one called the cops? Really? There are television shows about how great the Hawaii police are! Book em Dano!
- The hero’s Dodge Caravan can go from stand still to “fast enough” to outrun a rocket propelled grenade a hundred yards behind. That’s a testament to American Automaking superiority!!
- I don’t know, but if it was me and a giant fucking Piranhaconda just ate everyone, I’d leave. But noooo, let’s stay and finish this kidnapping for ransom thing. Work ethic for the win!
- I can’t make that run, says injured man. I’ll cover you. So they go ahead and leave him very much NOT covering them. They then arrive at the car, like 10 steps away, that NONE of them had to run for. I mean…what the hell just happened? Did they just really want to leave him to die? Did he have body odor?
Suck-aconda? Nah. It was a passable SyFy movie. Mindless watching and even had a few giggles. The entire thing was made for $1,000,000. That’s remarkable. I’d recommend it for a rainy Sunday afternoon, or even a Saturday night date movie. If you can find yourself a date who’s into that. And if you do, you hold on tight and never let her go! never! not even if she can’t breathe!…okkkk…that got dark quick.
P.S. Suck-aconda is a good name for a Vampire / Anaconda hybrid movie. I better copyright that shit.